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She’s Got Issues

I’m usually not one to follow the advice from my horoscope. Mainly because for as long as I can remember I’ve never really fit the personality mold for my sign. Anyways, I still read my weekly  horoscope just to entertain myself. It said that my love life would be aflame this week. Which, either sounds like fiery romance or a complete disaster. Either way I am not in a relationship, so….it doesn’t apply to me, right?

Eh, maybe? I took this as a sign to do some reflecting on why I am eternally single. My longest running relationship was 4 months, and that was 2 years ago. Since then I have been on way too many dates to count and I’ve been in several flirtationships. There was one almost relationship, but I  ended it with him because I couldn’t really tell if I was actually attracted to him or if I was just attracted to the attention. You know? When a guy is kind of sort of obsessed with you and every little thing you do is magic?  That kind of thing.

I have come to ask myself… Do I have commitment issues?

All signs point to, yes.

I have this reoccurring dream where I am walking down the aisle, staring at my feet. The scenery always changes. Church wedding, Spaniard Garden wedding, Beach Wedding, it’s always a different place. I can only see certain elements of the floor and maybe about knee level of all my guests. I never see the groom though. As I am staring at my feet in gorgeous white stilettos, a panic starts to take over and I realize “I don’t want this. There’s too much to risk.” And with that, I drop my bouquet, turn back around and sprint. I’m always too ashamed to look back at the groom. I kick off my heels and run as if I am about to die. I run through city streets, parking lots and forests, barefoot. I hold my dress up so that I don’t trip and sometimes I even rip off the bottom half so I can run faster. I know strangers are looking at me as I run past. They know, they know that I’m a coward. Behind me I can hear my aunts yelling at me to come back. They chase me, I usually find someplace to hide. Then I wake up.

The dream seems pretty self exclamatory. But it’s odd to me because I am one of those girls that has a “Dream Wedding” board on Pinterest (secret board, of course.) and a list of romantic songs that I dream of having my first dance to. Why am I always running away from my wedding?

There’s also this thing where with, any guy I am talking to, I get annoyed very easily. Its cute at first but after three days of good morning and goodnight texts, I tend to roll my eyes. I don’t know what it is. Something about super corny sweet texts, or words, make me scoff. It sounds fake to me, like it’s being recited out of the ” How to sweep a girl off her feet” handbook. It makes me giggle which can ruin the mood and I have, a couple of times. My natural response to those remarks are “Pssh, yeah. okay.” And if I’m not saying that out loud then it’s visible on my face.

they say the first step to recovery is admitting there is a problem…im not recovering from anything but the saying seems fitting.

So here I am, admitting it to myself. She’s got issues.

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