On New Years Eve, I had this whole picture of how this upcoming year would start and what it would bring. However, I’ve come to understand that I will never be ready for what the universe has to throw my way. I celebrated with three of my closest friends and we talked about how much we love each other and how our lives had grown since becoming friends and how we were looking forward to years of friendship to come.
About a week later, one of my best friends decided that she no longer wanted to be friends with us. Not that she was mad or anything she just said that she didn’t feel like she fit into the dynamic of the group. I have to admit that it hurt. It hurt a lot. I have never lost a friend like that. There are no hard feelings and in fact It makes me cry to think about how long she felt that way and never told anybody. To know that she was hurting and none of us knew. We should have known. I’ve never been through a bad breakup but I assume that this is what it feels like. I told her that she needs to do what she feels is best for her and that there is no animosity and that we’ll always be there for her, that we’ll always be there cheering her on from a distance. I miss her. It’s hard because there are times I go to text her a funny meme or an article and it’s just a moment of “Oh, yeah..” or when pictures of all of us pop up on my laptop. It’s a slight hole in my chest.
There’s that and the fact that I’ve been trying to be responsible and handle my finances. So my wallet has been pretty tight, and work has been slow. So slow in fact, that I’ve been looking at second jobs. With the money from a second job and strategic saving, I should have enough to finish school and maybe take a trip somewhere in the states.
Anyways, so I’ve made the decision to go to New York, alone. I find that with my friends, I become washed down. My personality shrinks so that everyone else in the group has room to bloom. I’m not as picky or as sensitive or as demanding
( I don’t mean this in a negative way and I totally understand that everyone has a different personality) So I usually let my needs take a backseat for the happiness of the group. Kind of like how a parent hides what they really want to do, for the happiness of their children.
Back on track, I have a friend who lives in New York and all I would have to save for is the flight and touristy stuff. They have agreed to be my tour guide, seeing as how I’m one of their closest friends from their visit to California. They’re a friend who I don’t have to tone anything down with. I’m me and they are them. It’s great.
I have yet to tell anyone except my New York Friend (they already know) …I’ll tell everyone eventually, before I leave. Or maybe when I’m at the airport.
Baby Steps, if that trip goes well…I’m looking at maybe Seattle.