There was a time where I didn’t really think I could feel much. I felt numb and empty, void of emotion. I didn’t know why, but I knew that I desperately needed to…feel again. Problem, I didn’t know how. Nothing really seemed to make me happy, even the things that usually did.
On a whim I started watching this TV show, it was the first tv series that I ever formed any sort of attachment to. It was a rollercoaster of emotion, I loved it. When I was watching that show, I could feel again. Sure my emotions were attached to the characters and a fictional plot, but I think a part of me always attached everything back to my life. Every character was a mash-up of everyone in my life, all the outrageous plots were dramatized circumstances of my own.
The show provided me with a sort of jolt of feelings. For a day or two I would be high on these feelings that I would otherwise not have. This show provided me with the footholds I needed to climb out of my depression. Which is why I have such an attachment to it. I feel as if I know these characters, as if I have actually witnessed their growth in life.
I stopped watching for a long time because I knew the last season was coming up. I am horrible at goodbyes, seriously. I don’t finish books. Because if I don’t read the ending and if I don’t know how it ends then technically, in my mind, there is no ending and the characters live on. It’s weird and probably a sign of unhealthy emotional development, I know. Last night I summoned the courage to finally watch the last season because like I said before, this particular show has its own spot in my heart. I wanted to see the characters off.
So here I sit, after watching the very last episode. The epic finale. My face is red and puffy, my eyes are red, and i’ve wiped ugly snot from my face a couple of times already. I feel sad. Actual sadness but with how the show ended, I also feel peace. Like a weight has been lifted. As if that show has taken a small chunk of whatever sadness was lingering around in my head.
I know it sounds crazy, but in my mind, it’s similar the horcrouxes in Harry Potter. Voldemort, being my depression and this show which I had become so attached to being Tom Riddles diary.
I’ll probably be sad for a day or two, but at the same time, I feel better.