Today will be a tough day, not that I want it to be. Or enjoy it in any way. In fact, I’m miserable. There are days where I’m at complete war with my body and with that little parasite in my mind. The parasite that tells me to not eat, to go workout, to run farther, to not even bother because I’ll always be fat and unhappy. Then there’s my body, it’s weak. My muschels ache, and it’s asking for a break. All of this going on within me. And i can’t stand to look in the mirror.
I should go running. It’s a thought that drills away at my skull, so much so that I can feel my heart speeding up. I know one day of taking a break won’t make me gain weight. But it’s. It one day. This is my third day, not consecutively. But that’s not the point. Gal Gadot worked out 6 days a week. Other fit women work out more. And I’ve only worked out 4 days out of 7. This must be why in so chubby. Because I’m taking these three days off. I’m not working hard enough. This can’t be normal right? Why am I still so chubby?! I work out! Obsessively! On the days I don’t work out, all I do is think about how I should be.
I feel like a fat disgusting monster. Like it’s written on my face. It’s evident in my body how weak willed I am. If I could just be skinnier….it’d be better.
I ate breakfast. A bowl of cereal. A bowl of carbs. It’s a lot. So really I shouldn’t eat for the rest of the day. Unless I workout then I can eat one more meal. But only vegetables and chicken. A small serving.
I know these thoughts aren’t healthy. I know they’re not right. But it’s a contestant battle in my head. Trying to keep the tar like thoughts away.
It’s not easy. Today will be a tough day.