Uncategorized

Exhume

I have been way more open about my anxiety and other issues, with everyone in my life. Not like I go out and shout it with a megaphone, but when it’s an occurring issue and people ask, I no longer hide it with:
“I’m just really tired.”
“I don’t know.”
“I’m fine.”
“I’m just being weird.”

I answer them and tell them honestly:

“My anxiety is acting up, really bad today.”
“Hey this depression is making me just need to sleep.”
“It’s a tough eating day today.”
or a simple,
“I’m just not feeling my best right now.”

It’s not me seeking attention or asking for help. It’s a notice, so my loved ones and friends don’t take it personally. And It’s a kindness to myself. Because the more I hide it, the more I am ashamed of it. I am in no way trying to glorify or romanticize it all. I am just dealing with the hand I am given.

“I will be okay. But right now, I’m not and I need a minute or some time to gather myself.”

Unashamed and completely aware and as in control as I can possible be at this given moment. This newfound honesty has caused some mixed reactions. Some are open and completely understand. Others, not so much. They worry that because I am so understanding of it all that it means the situation has somehow gotten worse? Which is weird to me. Because sweeping it under the rug and acting like I am 100% okay, isn’t a solution. Why is being accepting of who I am so alarming to some?

I’ve gotten to the point of not caring about their reactions, it’s enough I have to worry about my own. I will not hide my issues in shame, because it makes someone uncomfortable. I will not shrink to fit the perception of somebody else. I am me, and I am not going to be complicit of the norm anymore.

I’ve been running, 4 or 5 miles a day. It has helped me immensely with my anxiety. The other day I was on the last mile stretch and I actually started dancing and skipping along the way. On the side of the road, people saw, people honked as they drove past, and I didn’t give a shit. John Newman was singing sweet melodies and his piano was rhythmic along with the choir of voices and clubbed up beat. I was in the moment, wrapped up in myself, unapologetically.

I want the rest of my life to be like that moment. Free, me, and happy.

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