That’s ugly

Okay.Being a bigger person, or choosing not to engage, is shit. It’s really difficult.

I’ve been spending more time outdoors and just being more active. I find it alleviates most of my anxiety. Most, not all. I go on several nature walks throughout the day. Listen to music and just sort of observe and appreciate everything around me. From the colorful flowers to the random lizards scampering around. It’s my form of meditation.

Eating habits… I’m still working on those.

But the lost friends that I’ve mentioned in previous posts are what irk me. Running around thanking people for being there for them, when they couldn’t even be there for me on my birthday, trying to stave off an anxiety attack. Just one day! One day, I needed and wanted them to be there for me. And I was alienated, treated like an annoying burden.

Those people that they once talked so much crap on are now their “BFFS”?! I guess I’m frustrated because I was blinded and I bought into such fake people.

It’s sickening and frustrating. All at once I’m zen and kind of idgaf about it. A “you’ll get yours” type I guess. But at the same time I don’t want to be a spiteful bitter person. It’s ugly. So I guess I’m writing just to …I don’t know. Put my inner turmoil and thoughts out into the world, in hope of receiving some kind of answer.


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